“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10.
Still, hummm. I am trying to be
still but I still don’t know what that means.
Part of the problem is that I love to work and therefore my work is what
I live to do. Over the past few days I
have been wondering what I will do when there isn’t anything to do. I know that when we move next year there will
be periods of the year when there is little to do, not just in activity work
wise but activity in general. I find
that in Texas when I’m bored I just get in the car and go do something…”oh yea
I need to run to Lowes to look at…”. Here
I am not as able to hide my inability to stop and be still by filling it with a
purchase or a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
It has been a couple of days since I’ve had to do anything to make life
happen here, all the projects are actually up to date (except for varithaneing
the interior walls…but we’ll call that not essential). I don’t have to go out in the rain and work
so I haven’t which has made me kind of crazy on the inside. Not just crazy inside the house but on the
gut level; on the inside of my soul. I
think my addition to two things is coming to the surface.
1)
The addition of importance. I feel important when I’m doing
something. People notice and to be
honest to the world-wide-web, I like to be noticed. I want people to say good things about me, I
actually like to be important. If you
have ever listened to the comedian Brian Regan he does a stick about a guy
driving while talking on a cell phone who gives him a pinky wave…on a heart
level that’s me. I love to look important
but I don’t feel like I am important while not accomplishing. I rebel against even writing that because in
the back of my head I think, “well, it’s better than being lazy!” Agree?
I think that rebuttal is part of my problem…I have a desire for both and
yet my bent is not toward laziness its toward too much activity so that when I
stop I feel lazy. The bottom line is
that my significance is not in Jesus it is in me. When it comes down to it I want people to notice
me. Maybe being hurried and looking for
significance in insignificant things is just as sinful as being lazy? Hummm, don’t think I like that…
2)
Addiction two plays off of that, I am addicted
to me. I have a deeply rooted pride that
is so well hidden that to get the roots of it out of my soul it will need to be
dug out with a spade. In my life I think
that the importance of what I do is sadly not merely for the advancement of the
kingdom of God on this planet it for the advancement of my kingdom on this
earth. How sad. I want to either delete this whole entry or
try to justify myself but even that is a defense of a deeply hidden pride. Even in this confession I think there is an
element of pride…and in that confession I confess there is pride…and in the
confession of that confession I…; well, it’s there and I have to make strides
to get it out of the way if there is ever to be rest for my soul.
The beginning of Psalm 46 says: “God is our
refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” The psalm goes on and
describes the world on the brink of wars and physical destruction and yet at
the end the Psalmist says what we quote all the time, “Be still and know that I
am God.” Context is important as it is
not necessary at the couch level of stillness it is at the level of utter trust
in God while all around is chaos.
However, it is applicable to the need to trust in our Western culture of
rush and not just rushing but the need for the rush of feeling important. In his book “Replenish” Lance Witt quotes
James Gleick with something that strikes a chord.
“Our ability to
work fast and play fast gives us power.
It thrills us.
If we have learned
the name of just one hormone, it is adrenaline.
No
wonder we call a sudden exhilaration a
“rush.” (italics are mine)
The needed cure for me is to find my utter value in the
finished work of Jesus Christ through the cross and resurrection. I am going to start by playing a board game
with my kids on a Thursday afternoon…
